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Click on the link below to read published articles written by or featuring Nadine Rosen: Take Control of Pre-Teen Anger Moving On: How To Deal with a Family Uproot Life on Overload: Dealing with Stress and Anxiety
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From the My School Rocks publication May, 2009:
Take Control of Pre-Teen Anger by Nadine Rosen
"I hate you!" "You are the worst parents ever!" As every parent of a pre-teen and teenager knows, it is unlikely that you will get through your child's adolescence without hearing those words at least once, if not a hundred times. Angry, defiant, and moody behavior will likely make its appearance in your pre-teen and teenager's development, as they fight their inner conflict between staying within the comforting realm and security of childhood and growing up as an independent and responsible adult. From your children's perspective, they are likely feeling upset and may not even know why. Their emotions and inner life are truly a battle ground, between rising hormones, changing bodies, and the many expectations they have for themselves and those either communicated or implied from others. Add to that the academic pressures and challenges of schools that consistently raise the bar, the need to conform and fit in coupled with doubt and uncertainty, the rocky and fluctuating social climate they find themselves in, a 24 hour cyberspace playground and information center, and peer pressure and media influence to experiment with alcohol, drugs, and sex. Now add onto that the pure physical exhaustion and sleep deprivation that originates from the many extra -curricular activities and sports in which they participate, dances, parties, and "all- nighters" from sleepovers. And lastly, you can add on a sense of entitlement that so many of our kids seem to have given our society, the belief that they know better than their parents, and the clash of house rules, (hopefully) limits, and boundaries. No wonder, our kids are irritable, moody and defiant. From a parent's perspective, it can be exhausting, emotionally draining, and downright grueling!!!! The description you just read is the norm for most pre-teens and teens. Certainly, there is a continuum in which there is a range of experiences. Some teens will glide through this stage of their development with poise, grace, and self- assurance. Some, on the other hand, will have greater difficulty negotiating their experiences, emotions, and relationships, especially if there are other mitigating factors. These factors can be environmental, such as living in a crime-ridden and dangerous neighborhood where they are facing the pressure to join a gang, or living in a home where mom and dad are having marital difficulties and may be facing divorce, or they can be economic with the family being impacted by financial strain. There are also biological factors that play into your child's ability to regulate his or her emotions and appropriately express and control his or her anger during this chaotic life stage.
All people are born with their own particular temperament. Most parents can identify their child's temperament fairly quickly from birth (if not from in-utero). Consider the newborn who screams and cries throughout the night while the other newborns are peacefully sleeping, with the exception of waking to be fed. Then, that same newborn becomes the hard to soothe or colicky baby, the tantruming 6 year old who can go for an hour or two, and then becomes the feisty, stubborn, and strong-headed 10 year old who is already defiant. Chances are you will hear the parents of such a child describing the pre-teen and teen years as, to put it nicely, "challenging". There may be biological and genetic roots for anger, and certainly, there is the family environment, including family dynamics and interaction style that should be considered when discussing the topic of anger and anger management.
There are many ways to express anger. In addition to this kind of overt anger, your child may have learned to express his or her anger by passive means, and can be described as passive-aggressive. Consider the 14 year-old who intentionally urinates on the wall or toilet seat, or who misses the bus over and over again, the week he was grounded from extra-curricular activities, or the teen who intentionally keeps his or her room messy. However, your child expresses his or her anger, it should be dealt with immediately and constructively. But because parents are mere humans, and not made of steel, even the best of intentions to set firm limits, boundaries, and to follow through on consequences consistently and without emotion can be difficult and, , therefore, have erratic results.
The constructive and healthy expression of anger is anger that is allowed to be expressed, is expressed in a timely manner so that it does not build up (and your teen explodes), is expressed calmly, and is accepted by the listener in an empathic way. You do not have to agree with the issues but understand and accept the way your teen is feeling. Pre-teens, teens, AND adults will certainly benefit from being actively taught effective and pro-social anger management skills and techniques that they can rehearse and practice. Because anger has such a strong biological and physical component to it (increase heart rate and breathing, tightened muscles…) it can often be defused and reduced through physical activity, which is why a regular sports or exercise program is so important for you pre-teen/teen, through using relaxation exercises and techniques, by writing in a journal or engaging in artwork, by playing an instrument, and listening to music, etc. etc..
When anger becomes destructive, you may need to seek out professional help. Teens often communicate through anger, and an expression of anger that is destructive or feels threatening suggests that your teen is feeling out of control. Punching holes in the wall, breaking and destroying property, threatening others, setting fires, and displays of physical aggression are serious and require professional help. Sometimes anger is a sign of a more serious problem such as bipolar disorder, depression, or borderline personality disorder which is usually not diagnosed until the late teen years. Anger and rage that is chronic and/or begins in early childhood may be associated with other childhood disorders. It is important to get help as soon as possible, because a teen that feels out of control or is repressing anger and rage is likely to act out in self-destructive ways. Such anger may lead to self-medicating through substance abuse, cutting or otherwise mutilating oneself (burns, multiple piercings or tattoos), promiscuous sexual activity, and suicidal threats, gestures, and attempts. It is important to note that teen depression is not just another typical feature of this developmental stage, especially if there are additional signs of a clinical disorder. Some of those signs include withdrawal or a loss of pleasure from previously enjoyed activities, withdrawal from friends or an abrupt change in peer group, falling academic grades, crying spells, appetite changes (often associated with an increase or decrease in weight), sleep changes (too much or too little), decreased motivation, a change in activity level (motor retardation or restlessness), feelings of worthlessness, poor concentration, and recurring thoughts of death or suicide. If your teen or pre-teen is showing any of these signs or symptoms, or you have noticed a major, uncharacteristic change of behavior, a careful comprehensive clinical assessment by a qualified mental health professional is required!
You can help your angry teen and pre-teen (and yourself) by NOT ALLOWING YOUR BUTTONS TO BE PUSHED AND REMAINING UNEMOTIONAL!!! It may help to remember that when you break a traffic law and get caught, no matter how emotional you get if you are pulled over, the police officer is ALWAYS calm!! So, think like a police officer with your child and remain calm. ALWAYS encourage the calm expression of anger and open dialogue. ENCOURAGE positive physical activity, appropriate relaxation, healthful eating, and adequate sleep. TEACH conflict negotiation and conflict resolution skills. REMEMBER that you are the role-model, so be careful how you express your anger! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, have a sense of humor, have realistic expectations for yourself and your teen, take care of yourself, and remember that "this too shall pass."
Nadine Rosen is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Psychotherapist in private practice in the Cotswold area. She treats older children, adolescents, and adults in individual, couple, and family therapy. She can be reached at 704-280-9458. She is also the parent of a teen and a pre-teen.
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