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Click on the link below to read published articles written by or featuring Nadine Rosen: Take Control of Pre-Teen Anger Moving On: How To Deal with a Family Uproot |
From the My School Rocks publication September, 2009:
Moving On: How To Deal with a Family Uproot by Nadine Rosen
Moving is one of life's major stressors whether you've done it once, twice, five times, or one hundred times. It can be stressful whether you and your children wanted to move or not, and the ripple effects are countless. The preparation and the move itself can produce fear and anxiety, especially if you’re moving far away, but it can also be a purging and cathartic process. Packing (and throwing away what you once thought you needed or wanted) by its’ very nature forces you to explore and examine your present as well as your past and can be quite daunting. Saying goodbye to your neighbors, friends, and even your neighborhood, house, and perhaps a city or town produces a sense of loss that requires you to acknowledge and work through. Even if you are moving nearby, you and your family will be experiencing a change and change for some can be difficult. Ambivalence and fear regarding any change is not unusual and moving and changing schools is no exception. Adjustment is the successful outcome of behavioral and psychological efforts to deal with stress and meet ones needs. It is a unique experience to everyone. Healthy adjustment to a move or change in schools depends on a number of factors, such as whether you had the desire to move or not and what if any support system you may have in place, before you arrived in your new home and/or school. It is, of course, common to experience grief even if you wanted to move. Chances are you and your children left behind friends, family, or both. Most likely you have all lost a local support system, a job, a school, a routine, and the comfort of familiarity. It’s quite natural to feel lonely and overwhelmed when moving, especially if you are moving to a new area. Acknowledge your losses and allow yourself to grieve, as necessary. BUT, don’t dwell on the negative feelings. It is important to focus on the positive and be optimistic, as your children will be watching you and feeding off of your emotions. Forced relocation may make the adjustment process even more challenging and stressful, and stress of any kind can put strain on relationships. Anger can be destructive. Working through your anger, if you or your children didn't want to move or make a change in schools is critical. Mutual support is paramount to the success of your adjustment and your children's adjustment. Discuss your thoughts and feelings with each other without attempting to fix one another. In other words, resist the temptation to minimize, gloss over, or "shut down the speaker". Be empathic, understanding, and take responsibility for your role in the decision to move before attempting to explain or justify your decisions. It’s helpful to be honest and express your feelings and encourage family members to do the same. Preparing children for the "adventure" of moving and making it a positive experience will be helpful. Remember to be gentle with yourself and those around you. Adjustment is a process that takes time so it is important to have reasonable and realistic expectations. It might be helpful to know that you will feel very different in three months, six months, and one year from the time of your move or change in schools. Once you have moved, unpack as quickly as possible (hang artwork and put out photos) and have your children participate by letting them make some choices and assisting in the process. Buy plants and flowers, and paint the walls a color that suits you and your family. Claiming your space in this way turns your new house into a home. It can be very helpful to get involved, and have your children get involved in your new community and school, as soon as possible. Presumably you have already done extensive research on the school(s) your children will be going to and may even be the reason for the move. Take a tour of the school, ASAP, if you haven't already done so, contact the guidance counselor and principal and introduce yourself and your children. Join a health club, if possible, or just work out on your own and get your children involved in extra-curricular activities. Exercise, in particular, is very helpful in relieving stress and anger. The endorphins that the brain releases when exercising have a calming, mood-lifting effect. Seek out and get involved in a church, mosque, or synagogue as these are not only for spiritual comfort but offer an immediate sense of community and belonging. Join a book club (Barnes and Nobles and Borders usually have book clubs on an on-going basis). If you don’t need to go to work right away, find opportunities to volunteer- helping others feels good and will offer a venue in which to meet other people, and have your children do the same. No matter what clubs or activities you and your children choose to get involved with, establishing a routine and structure will help you all to feel more grounded and hasten your adjustment. Remember that your attitude and perspective can create a healthy adjustment and experience or a negative one. Looking at your move as an adventure and taking the time to explore your new hometown or city, and school can be exciting and help you to feel more connected. If your adjustment to your new circumstances or your children's is taking an unusually long time, in which your ability to function on a daily basis is causing concern, seek out help. You or your children may be experiencing symptoms of an adjustment disorder. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 4th revision, defines an Adjustment Disorder as “the development of emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor(s) occurring within 3 months of the onset of the stressor(s). These symptoms or behaviors are clinically significant as evidenced by either marked distress that is in excess of what would be expected from exposure to the stressor and/or significant impairment in social or occupational (academic) functioning.” Even more serious is a major depression, which is characterized as a change from previous functioning lasting at least 2 weeks accompanied by either depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure. Other signs and symptoms include weight changes, insomnia or hypersomnia (excess sleep), psychomotor agitation or retardation, fatigue or loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt, difficulties concentrating, and suicidal thoughts. If you or anyone in your family are experiencing any of these symptoms, seek professional help immediately. It is also important to continue treatment if you or a family member were being seen by a mental health professional before you moved. This is not the time to discontinue therapy unless you were planning on terminating anyway. Remember, adjusting to any new situation takes time but you can help yourself and those around you with a few simple steps: unpack ASAP, decorate what you can, get involved in your new community and have your children get involved, exercise, express your feelings, get adequate rest, eat healthfully, create new rituals and traditions, and ask for help, when necessary! Before you know it, you will once again feel safe and have a sense of belonging in your new community and school.
Nadine Rosen is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Psychotherapist in private practice in the Cotswold area. She treats older children, adolescents, and adults in individual, couple, and family therapy. She can be reached at 704-280-9458. She is also the parent of a teen and a pre-teen.
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